So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
