Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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