I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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