I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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