hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I didn't notice because vodka
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
