No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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