I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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