On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
