So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
