my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
