Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
