This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
