I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
