I'm going to jail i love you
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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