quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i've created a new STD.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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