yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
