Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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