hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
