the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
