When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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