it hurts more in the daytime
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
