This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
