Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
