at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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