I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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