I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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