First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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