i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
