that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
