Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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