even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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