and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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