We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
