he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
