Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
