dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
