Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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