i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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