we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
