she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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