and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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