He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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