Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
