How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
