The maid of honor just puked.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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