They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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