I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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