if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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