Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
