The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
