I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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