Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
