she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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