he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
