Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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